John's Vacation

“Dude, what the hell!” John exclaimed to the one of three men in his apartment who had just emerged from the bathroom with wet hair.

The other men and the two women in the living room went silent. John put down his glass of rum and coke and marched over to his bathroom. On the brown terracotta tile floor lay a used towel. The cast iron clawfoot tub was wet and the long lace shower curtains had been pushed to the sides.

“Did you just take a bath in my bathtub?” John cried out incredulously.

“Yes,” replied the wet haired man.

John placed both hands on his forehead. This was the denouement of his weird vacation. Over the last four days on the island he had found himself in so many strange situations, that he was starting to believe he had become a magnet for wackjobs.

It started with Helena, the Swedish actress he had met on the plane. She had told him that she was attempting to take full advantage of her one day layover on the island. Joining her and her friends for a night out turned out to be a mistake. In the first two hours Helena made out with a stranger, flashed everybody at the bar and demonstrated to the table that the hair on her head was in fact not the same color as the hair on other parts of her body. One of her friends was a ballerino which was a male ballerina. He liked to arm wrestle every woman he met. The other wore a black dress on top of black pants to go along with his dark nail polish. At the end of the night John felt drunk and dizzy from all the strange things he had witnessed. Like someone stepping out of a freaky carousel ride full of nudity, drugs and men dressed like women, he sought refuge at another bar, far away from the eccentrics.

There he ordered a rum and coke and sat alone next to two attractive dark skinned women. One of them teased him on his boring choice of drink. Passion fruits and limes practically grew on the streets and here he was drinking rum and coke. He apologized for his bland taste and quickly corrected his mistake by ordering three lavishly garnished piña coladas. The women’s names were Tanya and Lesley, two refreshingly normal single gals from New York.

It had been almost a year since John had gone out on a date. He was desperately single but between work and taking care of his teenage daughter, he had had no time to invest in his romantic life. Dating was hard these days. He wasn’t a Tinder kind of guy and preferred this old fashioned way of circumstantially running into someone and letting one thing lead to another. Unfortunately circumstances had not been conducive over the last twelve months.

The next day he met up with both women at the beach and became convinced that one of them really liked him. The only problem was he couldn’t figure out which one.

Back in his living room the wet haired man was staring at him, another rider on the freaky carousel.

“You just met me this evening. You took a shower in a stranger's apartment without even asking first.” John recapped with anger the bizarre behaviour of his guest.

“Sorry,” the man responded, “I didn’t realize it would have been such a problem.”

John took a deep breath. He wanted to handle this like a gentleman but his two female friends had tested his patience by inviting these three strange men back to his place.

Tanya uncrossed her legs and placed her purse strap over one shoulder. “Hey guys,” she addressed the three men, “I think it’s getting late and John has to wake up early tomorrow.” Inviting the three strangers over after talking to them for less than an hour at the bar had been her idea.

“It’s already 2:30 am, we should really get going.” said one of the more reasonable men. “We are so sorry about this,” he added to John and summoned his creepy friend to join him on the way out. They walked out promptly with the wet haired one whispering defensively under his breath.

John took a seat in one of the armchairs. All terrace doors of his apartment were open and a pleasant evening breeze poured in and rippled his long hair. He closed his eyes and recalled how earlier this evening Tanya had run her fingers through the back of his head at the dinner table in the same gentle and seductive way.

“I am so sorry about this, John. I think you have been more than patient and accommodating. This guy was just out of line.” Lesley whispered from behind and squeezed his shoulder. The scent of her perfume and her touch gave him goosebumps.

“It’s OK,” he said. “Thank you. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I think I must be getting old.” He leaned back and added, “I am not the same party person I used to be.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Tanya exclaimed, too proud to admit her tactless social faux pas.

Thanks to her unwarranted invitation of the three men, John had gone from a happy man enjoying the company of two beautiful single women to this weird situation.

Things had started off well at his apartment with the sound of salsa music coming out of his small travel speaker, three homemade mojitos and Tanya and Lesley bathing under the sunshine surrounded by tropical plants on the terrace of his beautiful vintage apartment rental. Earlier that day, he had spent over one hundred dollars on various types of alcohol, snacks and a bottle of expensive cologne. He had chosen his outfit carefully and thought about how to style his hair. He had trimmed his horseshoe moustache and goatee, the same one that his seventeen year old daughter and her friend had called a disgusting abomination. Adolescent women were so clueless. His facial hair was nothing short of sexy. It gave him an air of mystery like that of a Hollywood actor or a pirate.

He had then made a reservation at a beautiful restaurant where the three of them had enjoyed a nice dinner - ceviche, vegan flatbread, catch of the day, pumpkin flan and pinot noir. Things were going so well. The women were laughing at his jokes, even the waitress enjoyed his sense of humor. After the restaurant, Tanya had dragged them to a nearby bar. Three passion fruit mojitos later, they had ended up back at his apartment with the three men tagging along, not exactly what John had hoped for. Perhaps Tanya had sensed the connection that was developing between him and Lesley. That would explain why she had tried to bring more men into the equation. Nobody liked feeling left out, so her actions were understandable, even excusable.

“Lesley, we should probably get going.” Tanya announced.

“Thank you so much for having us,” Lesley turned to John and smiled.

His anger melted away.

“Let me walk you down,” he said and got up to escort them downstairs to the main entrance. As the two women said goodbye and disappeared into the night, John’s eyes traced the silhouettes of their summer dresses. It was November, one year of being single made his head fill with lustful thoughts at this sight. The women disappeared behind the corner and John was left standing at the gate. He had done so much to impress them and had ended up alone again.

This game wasn’t easy. Both women were attractive and intelligent and he was not in a position to dismiss the possibility of dating either one. Even after tonight he wasn’t ready to rule out Tanya. She played with his hair and sat very close to him at the dinner table. Lesley on the other hand, had been kind all along but had shown a level of reservation that made him nervous. He was becoming convinced that the women were toying with him. He even imagined them laughing at his torment as soon as they got out of sight. The ball was in their court and they were stalling, passing it amongst each other, while he remained stuck on the other side of the net.

A stray cat meowed and rubbed her body against John’s leg. It curled its tail around his ankle and looked up at him with a certain taunting attitude. Even the homeless cat knew he was lonely.

“At least I’m not spayed,” John whispered and gently pushed the cat with his leg, locking the front gate behind it.

After taking a shower in the wet bathtub, he slipped into his antique four post bed. He was almost certain now that he liked Lesley more. He decided to text her and invite her to hang out with him alone the next day. That was of course going to destroy his chances with Tanya but it was ok at this point. She had flirted pretty openly with one of the three men in the apartment. John convinced himself that this meant she wasn’t that interested in him anymore. Then why had she played with his hair and sat so close to him at dinner? Slowly he drifted into a deep sleep, his brain yielding under the stress of this unsolvable riddle.

The next morning John woke up and opened his computer to do some urgent work. Neither one of the women had messaged him. He tried not to think about them. After an hour of peering into the wiring diagram on his screen, he discovered the missing piece of information needed to fix the malfunctioning high speed controller. Then suddenly a message popped up on his phone from Tanya - “Amigos for life”. What was that supposed to mean? Was it a passive aggressive comment in response to his message to Lesley or was it a genuine attempt to friendzone him for good, and why hadn’t Lesley replied? They were staying in the same hotel room so surely they had talked.

John bit his nail and walked over to the fridge. He opened the door then closed it, walked a circle around the kitchen, then went to the bathroom mirror.

“You are a catch,” he whispered. “Don’t you let them convince you otherwise. You are nothing short of spectacular.”

He maintained eye contact with his reflection for a few seconds then let his shoulders drop. He was talking to himself like a crazy person. Perhaps he did belong at the table with Helena and her friends. Perhaps his moustache was a disgusting abomination. If only women’s logic was as simple as that of a high speed controller.

John went back into the kitchen and suddenly his phone dinged. He glanced over and his whole composition changed. Lesley had replied letting him know that she had enjoyed his company and would love to hang out with him alone. Finally, a light at the end of the tunnel, a small glimmer of hope to let him know that his efforts were appreciated and that he wasn’t a freak. He stepped out on the terrace into the midday sun. The stray cat was there, sitting on the railing and licking itself. John went over to pet it. It was surprisingly friendly for a minute then suddenly jumped off and disappeared behind the plants.